On July 20th 2012, following my final attempt at conceiving through injectable medications for ovulation induction, I awoke around 7 am to take my daily HPT at 9dpo. As the faintest of second lines magically appeared on 2 separate tests- I knew. I was finally and miraculously pregnant. I rushed right in to my Reproductive Endocrinologist's office for a beta which came back at 12.5, "a little low" she said, but POSITIVE!! From there I waited anxiously for my next beta 6 days later while happily watching my HPT line darken at an incredible rate. On 15 dpo, my beta had risen to an impressive 1059 which would put the doubling rate at around 22 hours. Despite the fact that I had possibly ovulated 3+ eggs based on my follicular scans during the cycle, my RE still remained confident that there was most likely just one little bean cooking in there as I had had several mature follicles during previous cycles that resulted in nothing. My husband and I were ecstatic about having one, hopeful we would get lucky and there would be two, and prayed emphatically that there would be no more than that!
It was a long few weeks waiting for our 6 week ultrasound and I desperately wanted to see/hear the babie(s) heartrates to make sure that this was real, and to see if we were going to have one or two (but certainly more than that would be out of the question-impossible!)
Finally the day arrived and Georgia, the most wonderful ultrasound tech ever, took us back to the room. Almost immediately after inserting the wand it became apparent on the screen there was more than one sac. I became somewhat of an expert on ultrasound images after spending hours obsessing over pictures and youtube videos of singles, doubles, and more in the weeks approaching this day. As Georgia shifted the wand and nonchalantly said I see 2 sacs, and 2 heartbeats... and over here is a third sac. A flat "what." escaped my lips while my husband remained silent and wide-eyed at my side. I told Georgia, being the self-proclaimed ultrasound expert that I am, "but just because there is a third sac doesn't mean there is a baby in it right?" Her look said it all- there was a heartbeat, and oh, by the way, "I think one of the 3 sacs might have 2 heartbeats" an initial thought that she quickly changed her mind about after determining that it was just an imaging error. At this point, my knowledge of triplets from my RE and reading about a girl in the past who had lost all 3 at different stages of her pregnancy was that it is a very dangerous pregnancy, and not to get my hopes up. I was shocked beyond anything else and didn't know whether to be excited, terrified, worried, or all of the above. Georgia assured me that she had seen several healthy triplet pregnancies. Miraculously, after telling co-workers and some of my dearest patients, I heard that many people I know have known healthy triplets throughout their lives. I started to hope that maybe, just maybe, this will be ok.
Of course when I told my RE she was "obligated" to bring up the option of selective reduction, which I told her was not an option for my husband and I. After wanting children for so long, how could we ever make a choice to inject a fatal dose of drugs into one of my babies- killing him/her- to make my pregnancy/life a little easier? Absolutely not. I am reading Dr. Luke's book right now and she describes that often when learning you are pregnant with high order multiples you go through the same emotional stages that people experience with grief:
SHOCK: My husband and I felt this immediately, walking around in a daze for a week. When others expressed excitement at our news, I would sometimes say- 'At least one of us is excited! Aren't you worried too? this has a good chance of ending in disaster and heartache!'
DENIAL: For a few days I felt surely they all wouldn't make it, and we would end up with just one or two, and I hate to admit that I thought if that were the case, that would be fine with us. Surely all 3 babies in a triplet pregnancy would not survive. I have since FIERCELY changed my mind on this as through self education and speaking with other triplet parents/reading blogs have found out that I can want and even expect that all of my babies will be born and healthy. I desperately want each of them to thrive and to come into our lives and would be devastated at this point if any one of them were lost.
ANXIETY/ANGER/DEPRESSION: I definitely felt the anxiety and a bit of depression, not so much the anger- and I am sure my raging hormones are somewhat to blame. Anxiety over WILL THEY BE OK??? Will I be able to gain enough weight to support 3 babies when I have always been so skinny no matter what I eat my whole life? Will I lose my job as the primary earner- I only have 12 weeks of leave I can take before I no longer am required to remain employed by my company, and from everything I am reading, I could easily be on bedrest longer than that- especially with the physical nature of my job. Anxiety over how long I will have with the babies before I have to return to work (if I don't lose my job) since they will most likely be in the NICU after birth and may not come home until my time off is already expired? How will we afford the cost of 3 babies and childcare? If we hire an au pair, where will she fit in our small home and into our lives? And so many more thoughts.
BARGAINING: Not so much of this...
And Finally : ACCEPTANCE/ADAPTATION: My father has always been a calming voice of reason to me. He always reminds me that I am doing everything I can control to make the best outcomes, and everything beyond that I CANNOT worry about, and my Mother reminds me with faith- I must give to God- because there is no point worrying about the things you can't control- and it is simply not good for the babies. A few weeks after finding out, we are adapting. We are researching car seats, cribs, etc. I am arming myself with knowledge from books, blogs, and support groups, and I am feeling SO blessed. THREE TIMES as blessed in fact. What was a nightmare scenario had you asked us before we found out has become an incredible blessing that I would already not want any other way. I still struggle with the fear of what bad things could happen, especially since we are not even 9 weeks pregnant yet, but we are finally daring to dream about the future of these little beans, and talk about them as if they will definitely come into our family and grow into adults. Last night we stayed up late discussing what they will look like, how much we love them already, what life will be like once they are here, and already I cannot imagine, nor would I want my future any other way.
Pics from the first ultrasound between 6 and 7 weeks
Me At 8 weeks:
It was a long few weeks waiting for our 6 week ultrasound and I desperately wanted to see/hear the babie(s) heartrates to make sure that this was real, and to see if we were going to have one or two (but certainly more than that would be out of the question-impossible!)
Finally the day arrived and Georgia, the most wonderful ultrasound tech ever, took us back to the room. Almost immediately after inserting the wand it became apparent on the screen there was more than one sac. I became somewhat of an expert on ultrasound images after spending hours obsessing over pictures and youtube videos of singles, doubles, and more in the weeks approaching this day. As Georgia shifted the wand and nonchalantly said I see 2 sacs, and 2 heartbeats... and over here is a third sac. A flat "what." escaped my lips while my husband remained silent and wide-eyed at my side. I told Georgia, being the self-proclaimed ultrasound expert that I am, "but just because there is a third sac doesn't mean there is a baby in it right?" Her look said it all- there was a heartbeat, and oh, by the way, "I think one of the 3 sacs might have 2 heartbeats" an initial thought that she quickly changed her mind about after determining that it was just an imaging error. At this point, my knowledge of triplets from my RE and reading about a girl in the past who had lost all 3 at different stages of her pregnancy was that it is a very dangerous pregnancy, and not to get my hopes up. I was shocked beyond anything else and didn't know whether to be excited, terrified, worried, or all of the above. Georgia assured me that she had seen several healthy triplet pregnancies. Miraculously, after telling co-workers and some of my dearest patients, I heard that many people I know have known healthy triplets throughout their lives. I started to hope that maybe, just maybe, this will be ok.
Of course when I told my RE she was "obligated" to bring up the option of selective reduction, which I told her was not an option for my husband and I. After wanting children for so long, how could we ever make a choice to inject a fatal dose of drugs into one of my babies- killing him/her- to make my pregnancy/life a little easier? Absolutely not. I am reading Dr. Luke's book right now and she describes that often when learning you are pregnant with high order multiples you go through the same emotional stages that people experience with grief:
SHOCK: My husband and I felt this immediately, walking around in a daze for a week. When others expressed excitement at our news, I would sometimes say- 'At least one of us is excited! Aren't you worried too? this has a good chance of ending in disaster and heartache!'
DENIAL: For a few days I felt surely they all wouldn't make it, and we would end up with just one or two, and I hate to admit that I thought if that were the case, that would be fine with us. Surely all 3 babies in a triplet pregnancy would not survive. I have since FIERCELY changed my mind on this as through self education and speaking with other triplet parents/reading blogs have found out that I can want and even expect that all of my babies will be born and healthy. I desperately want each of them to thrive and to come into our lives and would be devastated at this point if any one of them were lost.
ANXIETY/ANGER/DEPRESSION: I definitely felt the anxiety and a bit of depression, not so much the anger- and I am sure my raging hormones are somewhat to blame. Anxiety over WILL THEY BE OK??? Will I be able to gain enough weight to support 3 babies when I have always been so skinny no matter what I eat my whole life? Will I lose my job as the primary earner- I only have 12 weeks of leave I can take before I no longer am required to remain employed by my company, and from everything I am reading, I could easily be on bedrest longer than that- especially with the physical nature of my job. Anxiety over how long I will have with the babies before I have to return to work (if I don't lose my job) since they will most likely be in the NICU after birth and may not come home until my time off is already expired? How will we afford the cost of 3 babies and childcare? If we hire an au pair, where will she fit in our small home and into our lives? And so many more thoughts.
BARGAINING: Not so much of this...
And Finally : ACCEPTANCE/ADAPTATION: My father has always been a calming voice of reason to me. He always reminds me that I am doing everything I can control to make the best outcomes, and everything beyond that I CANNOT worry about, and my Mother reminds me with faith- I must give to God- because there is no point worrying about the things you can't control- and it is simply not good for the babies. A few weeks after finding out, we are adapting. We are researching car seats, cribs, etc. I am arming myself with knowledge from books, blogs, and support groups, and I am feeling SO blessed. THREE TIMES as blessed in fact. What was a nightmare scenario had you asked us before we found out has become an incredible blessing that I would already not want any other way. I still struggle with the fear of what bad things could happen, especially since we are not even 9 weeks pregnant yet, but we are finally daring to dream about the future of these little beans, and talk about them as if they will definitely come into our family and grow into adults. Last night we stayed up late discussing what they will look like, how much we love them already, what life will be like once they are here, and already I cannot imagine, nor would I want my future any other way.
Pics from the first ultrasound between 6 and 7 weeks
Hey - I know I should know this, but what is your job? I am an attorney and I can help you with any FMLA questions you might have. --Sarah Kerner
ReplyDeleteAwesome post. I love how honest you are in sharing the emotional journey! I know this is way far in the future, but since you mentioned it - they do make car adapters for breastpumps so you can pump in the car :)
ReplyDelete